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12th January 2006
Karr was sitting out on the porch sulking, looking out at the sunset and knowing he couldn't very well go get grumpy with Aly for doing what she did best; welcoming people in. :
He had, however entertained the thought of retreating to SkyOne and spending a majority of his time in his quarters on the plane. Catch there too, though. He'd probably be by himself.
He fell back against the brick wall with a soft thump and sighed. It was a big house, he could get away if he needed to...somehow.
11th November 2005
: He'd spent the last 27 years with red hot hatred for his brother boiling just on the edges of his mind. Usurped, shoved into a closet and left to rust to pieces along with the metal storage building he'd been housed in. Hell, Wilton hadn't even been original with his color scheme. The very thought made his human muscles ache for violent release.
And then he'd heard that Kitt was getting himself a human body. While this Kitt may not be his actual, universal brother, he was close enough, and the fact that this body was completely separate from the car made him even angrier. Something snapped. Like it hadn't in years.
It hadn't taken much for him to find out where Kitt was supposed to wake up. Hadn't taken much to get there either. When he stepped into that room, it didn't matter that Rusti was there, that there was a weird little green thing with wings or that Kitt's girlfriend of the month was next to him.
He lost what control he had left, stalked over to the bedside, cocked back into the next county and swung; years of fury behind it. Landing his fist on somebody's nose had never felt so good, and he might've kept going, right, left, right, if Rusti hadn't been there.
Karr mused at the 'control' word in the user manual he'd been instructed to read and smirked a little bit. It was rather funny how a simple prompt could trigger a memory. Not that he wouldn't still occasionally like to plant a fist in the middle of his brother's smug face, it was not very likely that he would ever lose control quite like that again.
30th October 2005
He hadn't gone back to the plane, to Rusti and the team yet. Knew he would have to eventually, because Aly would be waiting. :
For now he was driving, flying down the desert backroads at speeds even Dale Earnhardt would hardly dare to attempt, kicking up a long streamer of dust behind him. It didn't seem to help though. The cold, aching rage was still there. It wasn't hot anymore, not that human, blood boiling rage, but the cold, mechanical kind. The sort that had festered while he spent a year under the sand on that deserted beach.
He had his music turned up so loud it would've been painful to human ears. Hard rock, something loud and abrasive. That didn't help either. He couldn't seem to outrun the fury that Wilton's ghost had reawakened.
It was an unexpected pothole in the road that undid his race with emotion. He skidded sideways, hit another sizable bump and rolled. Once he'd slowed down enough for it to be safe, he switched form mid-roll and slowed his momentum, sprawling in the dust before picking himself up to his hands and knees.
What frustrated him the most was that his voice had left him for the moment. He couldn't even scream. He collapsed back to the dirt, covered in sweat, a silent snarl in the back of his throat.I trusted you...
9th August 2005
...out of his skull. :
And a dull ache in his chest.
Karr leaned back in the desk chair, silently cursing Rusti for forcing him to come on this two week hike to the UK to chase down terrorists that they were never going to be able to find at this rate. At least last year in Italy things had been slightly more interesting.
He threw his ink pen down on the stack of papers he was working on and stood up, having half a mind to go out and see if he could at least stretch his legs and find something for Aly.
12th July 2005
In the hospital
Bored. Bored and in vague pain, the morphine was taking care of most of it, he indulged in the stack of Harry Potter books Aly had brought him, reading while she went to get food for herself. :
It was during visiting hours, and he could hear some kids visiting their grandmother just up the hall, telling her all about how Timmy fell in the mud again. He sighed and opened "The Sorcerer's Stone". Maybe he could finish all five in time to get out and pick up the sixth.
16th June 2005
When have you felt most alone?
: The descent down the cliff was incredibly slow for falling so fast. The sand seemed to rush up, and yet, take its sweet time. Impact jarred him from bumper to bumper, the tremor racked him from end to end, seemed to bounce back and forth against itself. He balanced on his nose for what seemed like minutes, though it was only a split second, then rocked back and landed hard on all four wheels. He tried to yelp, but the connection to his voice box and external systems was knocked loose in the dual shock of connecting with the ground so hard.
It was when day turned to night, that the overwhelming fear of being run down and returned to the dark warehouse he'd been in for so long began to fade, replaced with a very familiar feeling: loneliness. The aching pain had been tempered by the hope someone would come back to get him while he was in the warehouse, that Dr. Calvin, or Wilton, would come back any day now, say it was all a horrible mistake and let him out. This time, however, that hope wasn't there. Wilton was gone, and for all he knew, so was Dr. Calvin. He'd been chased down, hunted to the brink of insanity and driven over the edge of a cliff. Nobody was coming back for him.
Nobody was coming back for him.
All he'd tried to do was help somebody, apparently the wrong somebody, and now this. Alone, again. Nobody wanted him, nobody was going to give him another chance, another glance, even. He'd be forgotten down here, left to fall to pieces in the salt water. Death in the worst way, alone and slow, piece by agonizing piece.
He would've shrieked in desperation if he'd been able to, but all he could do now was silently panic, systems disconnected, unable to move, see or otherwise react to the outside world. Alone, again, and nobody was coming back...
5th June 2005
: Heart's Desire: Think about something you once wanted so badly but never acquired. Write about how you think your life would've been different if you had received what your heart desired.The dark wasn't cold. Not really. It was unfeeling, uncaring and all encompassing. He was semi-aware that the void wasn't all there was, he'd known the world beyond it for a brief time. He'd seen, felt and explored like any curious child. All he'd really wanted was to please his creators, see the dream through to a partner.
The partner never happened. There'd been an awful mistake somewhere down the line. Trust lost, or a too small paycheck. Though he didn't know that. All he knew was that he completed his objective, as he'd been told to do by the unfortunate girl. Without so much as an explanation, or even much more than an apology, Wilton had shut him off. In spit of Dr. Calvin's protests, he'd been shut down.
"What did I do wrong?" Had been the last thing he'd said for nearly seven years.
All he'd wanted was a partner, to learn to do the job he'd been programed for right off the bat. To avoid the darkness he was in now, the sensory deprivation that was a shut down.
If I had actually succeeded in what was set before me back then, I would most assuredly not be in the place I am now. I did, eventually, obtain that desire. To work with a partner, to do the job I was created to do, even if it's much more reluctant now than it once was. If I had received my partner then, many things would most certainly be different on a very drastic scale for some.
The only think I am truly happy about with the delay is my partner at home. She probably wouldn't be with me, had I not screwed up. There would have been no lost case for her to attempt to rehabilitate.
31st May 2005
Smacking people with trout
There's nothing like a hypothetical question to jumpstart the imagination, is there not? :
I would suppose this trout would be dead, and not just large but rather putrid? I think I would have to bestow the honor upon the first woman in the Christian Bible...Eve.
Honestly, how dense can a human get? Perhaps my overwhelming sense of curiosity is not so overwhelming as it used to be, or perhaps I've never been confronted by the Christian Devil, but to completely ruin the lives of all the people I'm supposed to parent seems a little over the top, even when indulging in curiosity. I'd probably a little less inclined to swing the trout if men didn't have to deal with the risk of withdrawing a bloody stump where a hand used to be when approaching a PMSing woman; if the story were taken literally.
It sort of makes me wonder if the 'listen to your parents, they know what they're talking about' mentality stemmed from this, as she was told not to eat from that particular tree.
Food for thought.
26th April 2005
Worst Character flaw
For me, such an answer is simple. It's my tendancy toward self preservation above the safety of all others. Even now, with it controlled by the efforts of my...wife...it's still a very basic, fundamental part of my personality. :
In some instances I will only help others if I have no other choice, due to what would happen to me if I did not. The thought is always at the back of my mind. The thought of what the consequences for me would be should I choose to do, or not to do, something. I suppose my willingness to put my life on the line for Alyson is still some form of self preservation, and not altruistic.
Altruism would be my brother's forte`, though I wonder if it still crosses his mind.
Putting self before others is something I'm not sure I will ever be able to entirely overcome. I will always
be wondering what will happen to me following a course of action, and in most cases, choose said course of action accordingly; no matter how hard anyone might try to get me to think otherwise.
Some personality foundations cannot be so easily shattered.
1st April 2005
What is so important to you that without it, life would not be worth living? Why?
This would be a difficult question to answer if I had to pick between two things, but as it stands, I will simply go with both things. :
I cannot live without my car body. If, for some reason, I were stuck in human form it would be a very devastating thing to me. I was made to be a car; made to enjoy the power and the speed involved. To lose those things...would be incomprehensible. I would not be capable of living a life completely human, plain and simple.
I would also not be able to continue on without is my fiance'. All my life I have known alone, miserable and frightened to aggression; 27 years worth of it. In the past year I have learned there is much more to it. To be lonely again would be a very familiar feeling, and the misery would gain a new, much more savage level if I were to lose Alyson in any way, shape or form. To love, to be happy for once is something brand new to me, and to my surprise (but maybe not so much to others) I find that I like it. I like it very much. I like the company, the conversation, the comfort and acceptance.
To say nothing of the sex.
God help me, I believe I'm turning into a sap.
21st March 2005
: It's been nearly three months since Aly got shot, but he remembers it like it just happened yesterday. Switching form and scanning the parking lot to see the man the Team had been chasing pull a gun out of his coat. One shot was all it took. Aly's yelp of pain, her head hitting his doorframe.
He remembered switching to human form and pulling his own weapon, emptying the clip and kneeling to help Aly.
There was blood, so much blood. It wouldn't have bothered him if it was his, but it was hers.
Beyond that very recent memory, there has not been a time when I have been so frightened. Even when I was frightened for my life, it was not the same. I am unsure as to what the difference is, but it's there, and it's remarkably noticeable.
8th March 2005
It is nearly impossible to choose just one person, one decision in a cascade of decisions that caused so much pain. Where to start? Where to go back to? To start at the very beginning? Or to start at the end? :
If I were to go back, I think I would change the mind of the girl that I killed. To convince her that there were better ways to care for her family than to take Comtron's money and sacrifice herself for it. To prevent her from taking the coward's way out. It would have spared Wilton and Dr. Calvin the heartache, it would have spared myself the years of sensory deprivation locked in that warehouse. It would have spared Kitt his miserable existance.
It's astonishing how one event, one, seemingly insignificant decision can practically chance the course of history. Perhaps there is something to the Chaos Theory after all.
25th February 2005
What is truly yours?
What is truly mine? :
Nothing is for certain. Time passes, things change. Mistakes are made, either by myself or those around me, and I lose friendships, and sometimes even my exsistance is threatened; so not even that is really mine. Things can be taken away just as easily and quickly as they are acquired. Even love, which I fear so much to lose...
Only my memories cannot be taken away without my consent. The very things that dictate how I behave and who I trust. From my first six months of activation, to the long, cold void of sensory deprivation known as deactivation. The disgusting realization that I'd been forgotten and left to collect dust while another too my place. Those memories and many more, along with the emotions that go with them, are the only things that I can say are truly mine; the only things that cannot be taken away from me by some outside force.
21st January 2005
: What's the furthest away you've ever been from the place you were born/created? How did you get there? Why did you go? Did you return or even want to come back to where you came from?
Italy. Beautiful country. How did I get there? I flew, like most Americans do. On SkyOne with Team Knight Rider, as cargo of course. I went because we had a mission to do there, though 50% of our time was spent prowling the open-air markets they had. I came back, obviously, and yes, I wanted to come back. There was someone at home who hadn't seen me for 10 days, and I sorely wanted to get back to her.
As beautiful as Italy is, I still prefer the US. After all it was where I was made, and I can drive on the right side of the road.
4th January 2005
Once out of Surgery
Karr sits at Aly's beside much like he'd been sitting in the waiting room: hands at the back of his head, elbows on his knees. The nurses have dimmed the lights, and long since stopped trying to make him get up and leave. He's staring at the floor, but he's not really seeing the blue tiles. :
She slowly comes out from under the anaesthesia. It takes a moment, but slowly she recognizes the sound of a hospital room, and the memories come flooding back. "Karr?" she asks, coughing slightly.
He drops his hands, lifts his head and shoulders, reaches out for her hand. "I'm here..."
Aly reaches for him, but her hand is constrained by the various tubes and sensors. "How ... how long've been out?"
He gets up and pulls his chair closer, takes her hand, careful not to disturb the pulse monitor on her finger. "Three or four hours. I've lost track... They had to fix your leg, give you a transfusion."
She squeezes his hand weakly. "Hit an artery?" she asks, half diagnosing herself.
"Femoral artery," He leans forward, careful of her catheter and IV lines, kisses her forehead, her nose, and very softly on the lips. Tears aren't flowing too freely, but he can't stop them anymore.
Aly raises her hand as much as she can to wipe the tears away. "I guess I kinda ruined the evening, huh?" she asks, trying to smile but her lips are so dry. "Shh baby, it'll be OK," she keeps stroking away the tears.
"Wasn't your fault. It shouldn't have happened. God Aly, I could've lost you..." Trying to wipe his face dry, he nods toward the small glass of water one of the nurses left. "One of them said you could have a little bit to drink, if you're thirsty, but you need to take it easy."
"There should be a straw," she says, looking over at the table with her eyes. "It wasn't your fault either Karr, don't you dare think that. Don't you dare."
Karr finds the straw for the glass of water, drops it in and holds the glass for her, still shivering at intervals. "I should've moved faster...should've been watching...you screamed..."
She sips slowly, carefully, then lays her head back down. God she was going to be sore when the pain meds wore off. "And i should have dived into the cabin the minute you warned me," she says. "The only person to blame is the gunman," she continues, and strokes the bed next to her, silently inviting him to sit next to her. "What happened to him?" she asks quietlty.
Karr carefully switches from the chair to the bed. "He ate the entire clip in my gun."
Aly nods. She suspected as much. And, maybe more surprising, she didn't really care. She knew what the CEO had been doing, how manny lives were in danger by his actions. She strokes Karr's hand. "OK," she says simply.
He offers her a slight, forced smile. "You're not mad?"
She shakes her head slightly. "No, I'm not." she says softly.
He wants nothing more than to lay down next to her and hold her, but he doesn't quite dare. There's too much to get tangled in, too much to mess up. He feels like he's been run over several times by Beast, and he wasn't even shot. He knows how much her leg is going to hurt when the morphine stops working. "If I can do anything to make you feel better, tell me."
"Just stay here with me for a while," she says, blinking. She was getting sleepy again already. "Just stay 'til I fall asleep. And ... don't blame yourself."
He reaches out, smoothing her hair back, cupping her cheek in his hand. "I'm not going anywhere. I'll be here when you wake up even," he smiles a little, this one, at least, isn't forced. "I've proven myself useful to the nurses, so I'm being allowed."
She chokes on a startled laugh. "How did you do that?" she asks, nodding toward the water again. "What did you do?"
He picks up the glass, holds it for her again. "I'm the very strange instant human calculator."
Aly sips, her brows crinkling in confusion. "Explain, please." She blinks sleepily, then smiles a little. "You can make it my bedtime story."
"They were trying to figure your post-op fluid rates, drug dosages, etc. I think the littlest one is on to me, in some way, but I gave them your exact weight (sorry), fluid rates based on it, and drug doses. They checked me with their calculators, gave me a bunch of funny looks and didn't chase me out."
She smilees, then yawns. "See, just another reason ... I love you." She still got her hand on his, and she shifts a little trying to get more comfortable. "Do ya think ... could we ... I need a hug," she says, finally.
Karr sets the water glass aside and surveys the lines. She's only got the oxygen coming from her uninjured side. He drapes the line over the top of the bed and gingerly lays down next to her inspite of his earlier fear, and wraps his arms around her.
Aly returns his embrace as best she can, turning her head toward him, closing her eyes. She'll just rest for a little, then make him move to chair where he'd be more comfortable. That was the plan, at least. But her body has other ideas, and she falls asleep,
He gives her temple a lingering kiss. "Sleep tight, baby."
So much blood.
So much bright, obnoxiously red blood.
And it's all hers. All over his hands, his shirt, his jeans, his arms, his face...everywhere.
The ratfaced bastard shot her from behind while she was getting into his cabin. Shot her from behind. He hadn't seen him until he'd pulled his gun. He hadn't been scanning for armed CEOs in the parking lot. He hadn't been paying much attention to the people going in and out of the restaurant. He barely had time to shout "Look out!"
Switched back to human form. Caught her before she hit the ground...emptied the clip of his own weapon into the CEO's head in less than two seconds.
Again, blood, so much blood.
Oh God it's all hers.
Make it stop, make it go away, wake me up...
Karr laced his bloody hands through his hair on the back of his head, sitting in the ER waiting room, elbows on his knees, bent double, head down, jaw locked and eyes closed, fighting every nerve that screamed hysterically in fear, biting back tears. Stone still and silent, waiting.
29th December 2004
Do you believe in the possibility of a true friendship between a man and a woman?
Of course. :
That is, unless, you're implying that this is to remain simply a friendship, and will never involve desire. That, I think, is not possible. One or the other in the friendship, will almost always decide that they want more than just friendship from the relationship.
However, if desire is allowed into the picture, then I stick with my original statement. Yes, true friendship between a man and a woman is possible. I know, I have a woman who is my best friend, but also my lover, and I like it very much that way.
15th December 2004
Stolen from Kitt
Rather fitting, I think. :
You are a Black Dragon. You are brooding and dark.
Your color represents night and loneliness. You
don't like people and would rather be alone.
You tend to avoid social situations. However,
there are those rare instances when you do find
and bond with that one person. Once you bond
with someone, you are extremely loyal and will
do anything for that person. Since it is so
hard for you to trust someone, your friendship
and bond with someone is the truest of all, and
it will take something very, very traumatic or
life-changing to make you let go. What color dragon are you? brought to you by Quizilla
5th December 2004
The best 24 hours of my life? What is it with the sappy, reminescent questions? :
The best 24 hours of my life you can find in texas_rose
's journal, ours are the same. It was the 24 hours when I asked her to marry me.
What do I have to be thankful for? :
There used to be a time when I would have answered nothing, but much has changed since then.
I'm thankful most of all for my fiance`. Without her, nothing would have changed, I'd still be where I was before. I'm thankful for my Team, the ones I work with, that give me such a hard time, but keep me in check.
I'm thankful that I got to run into my programmer...in human terms you might call her my mother...
Yes...it's definately a much longer list than it used to be...
Ghost from the past
: Meet Dr. Calvin
It's been 27 years... Too long.
29th October 2004
What makes me feel invulnerable? My car body. Coated with a shell that is, for all intents and purposes, indestructable. I can go through walls, other vehicles, armored cars, tanks...people. And nothing can get to me without my express permission, and since trust is rare to come by from me, that hardly ever happens. :
What makes me feel vulnerable? Reading mythology and realizing that even the gods can die... Power is nothing without immortality.
2nd October 2004
Who has influenced me the most in my lifetime? :
The answer to this question is incredibly easy, but the reasons are oh-so-complex.
I could draw from a list of any number of people who began shaping my behavior from the start. My creator, Wilton Knight, who built me, and then turned on me, the woman who stepped out in front of me and died, Kitt, Michael Knight, Bonnie Barstow. However, that list turned me into what most people see. Manipulative, dark and uncontrollable, so they're lumped together into one group, but they are not the ones who have had the most impact on my life.
The one who has had the most to do with pointing me in the opposite direction of where I was headed is Alyson Rush. She stuck with me even when I tried to push her away and still tolerates my occasional streaks of antisocial behavior. I would probably be much worse off were it not for her.
19th September 2004
How do I handle disappointment? I would say that I don't get disappointed, because I always get what I need, but that's not exactly the case, lately. :
I usually bottle up whatever negative feelings the disappointment causes and move on.